ency covered St. John’s taciturnity: he was sincerely glad to see his sisters; but in their glow of fervour and flow of joy he could not sympathise. The event of the day—that is, the return of Diana and Mary—pleased him; but the accompa- niments of that event, the glad tumult, the garrulous glee of reception irked him: I saw he wished the calmer morrow was come. In the very meridian of the night’s enjoyment, about an hour after tea, a rap was heard at the door. Han- nah entered with the intimation that ‘a poor lad was come, at that unlikely time, to fetch Mr. Rivers to see his mother, who was drawing away.’ ‘Where does she live, Hannah?’ ‘Clear up at Whitcross Brow, almost four miles off, and moor and moss all the way.’ ‘Tell him I will go.’ ‘I’m sure, sir, you had better not. It’s the worst road to travel after dark that can be: there’s no track at all over the bog. And then it is such a bitter night—the keenest wind you ever felt. You had better send word, sir, that you will be there in the morning.’ But he was already in the passage, putting on his cloak; and without one objection, one murmur, he departed. It was then nine o’clock: he did not return till midnight. Starved and tired enough he was: but he looked happier than when he set out. He had performed an act of duty; made an exer- tion; felt his own strength to do and deny, and was on better terms with himself. I am afraid the whole of the ensuing week tried his patience. It was Christmas week: we took to no settled Free eBooks at Planet eBook.com 601
employment, but spent it in a sort of merry domestic dis- sipation. The air of the moors, the freedom of home, the dawn of prosperity, acted on Diana and Mary’s spirits like some life-giving elixir: they were gay from morning till noon, and from noon till night. They could always talk; and their discourse, witty, pithy, original, had such charms for me, that I preferred listening to, and sharing in it, to doing anything else. St. John did not rebuke our vivacity; but he escaped from it: he was seldom in the house; his parish was large, the population scattered, and he found daily business in visiting the sick and poor in its different districts. One morning at breakfast, Diana, after looking a little pensive for some minutes, asked him, ‘If his plans were yet unchanged.’ ‘Unchanged and unchangeable,’ was the reply. And he proceeded to inform us that his departure from England was now definitively fixed for the ensuing year. ‘And Rosamond Oliver?’ suggested Mary, the words seeming to escape her lips involuntarily: for no sooner had she uttered them, than she made a gesture as if wishing to recall them. St. John had a book in his hand—it was his un- social custom to read at meals—he closed it, and looked up, ‘Rosamond Oliver,’ said he, ‘is about to be married to Mr. Granby, one of the best connected and most estimable resi- dents in S-, grandson and heir to Sir Frederic Granby: I had the intelligence from her father yesterday.’ His sisters looked at each other and at me; we all three looked at him: he was serene as glass. ‘The match must have been got up hastily,’ said Diana: 602 Jane Eyre
‘they cannot have known each other long.’ ‘But two months: they met in October at the county ball at S-. But where there are no obstacles to a union, as in the present case, where the connection is in every point desir- able, delays are unnecessary: they will be married as soon as S- Place, which Sir Frederic gives up to them, can he refit- ted for their reception.’ The first time I found St. John alone after this communi- cation, I felt tempted to inquire if the event distressed him: but he seemed so little to need sympathy, that, so far from venturing to offer him more, I experienced some shame at the recollection of what I had already hazarded. Besides, I was out of practice in talking to him: his reserve was again frozen over, and my frankness was congealed beneath it. He had not kept his promise of treating me like his sisters; he continually made little chilling differences between us, which did not at all tend to the development of cordiality: in short, now that I was acknowledged his kinswoman, and lived under the same roof with him, I felt the distance be- tween us to be far greater than when he had known me only as the village schoolmistress. When I remembered how far I had once been admitted to his confidence, I could hardly comprehend his present frigidity. Such being the case, I felt not a little surprised when he raised his head suddenly from the desk over which he was stooping, and said— ‘You see, Jane, the battle is fought and the victory won.’ Startled at being thus addressed, I did not immediately reply: after a moment’s hesitation I answered— Free eBooks at Planet eBook.com 603
‘But are you sure you are not in the position of those con- querors whose triumphs have cost them too dear? Would not such another ruin you?’ ‘I think not; and if I were, it does not much signify; I shall never be called upon to contend for such another. The event of the conflict is decisive: my way is now clear; I thank God for it!’ So saying, he returned to his papers and his silence. As our mutual happiness (i.e., Diana’s, Mary’s, and mine) settled into a quieter character, and we resumed our usual habits and regular studies, St. John stayed more at home: he sat with us in the same room, sometimes for hours together. While Mary drew, Diana pursued a course of encyclopaedic reading she had (to my awe and amazement) undertaken, and I fa*gged away at German, he pondered a mystic lore of his own: that of some Eastern tongue, the acquisition of which he thought necessary to his plans. Thus engaged, he appeared, sitting in his own recess, quiet and absorbed enough; but that blue eye of his had a habit of leaving the outlandish-looking grammar, and wandering over, and sometimes fixing upon us, his fellow- students, with a curious intensity of observation: if caught, it would be instantly withdrawn; yet ever and anon, it re- turned searchingly to our table. I wondered what it meant: I wondered, too, at the punctual satisfaction he never failed to exhibit on an occasion that seemed to me of small mo- ment, namely, my weekly visit to Morton school; and still more was I puzzled when, if the day was unfavourable, if there was snow, or rain, or high wind, and his sisters urged me not to go, he would invariably make light of their so- 604 Jane Eyre
licitude, and encourage me to accomplish the task without regard to the elements. ‘Jane is not such a weakling as you would make her,’ he would say: ‘she can bear a mountain blast, or a shower, or a few flakes of snow, as well as any of us. Her constitution is both sound and elastic;—better calculated to endure varia- tions of climate than many more robust.’ And when I returned, sometimes a good deal tired, and not a little weather-beaten, I never dared complain, because I saw that to murmur would be to vex him: on all occasions fortitude pleased him; the reverse was a special annoyance. One afternoon, however, I got leave to stay at home, be- cause I really had a cold. His sisters were gone to Morton in my stead: I sat reading Schiller; he, deciphering his crabbed Oriental scrolls. As I exchanged a translation for an exer- cise, I happened to look his way: there I found myself under the influence of the ever-watchful blue eye. How long it had been searching me through and through, and over and over, I cannot tell: so keen was it, and yet so cold, I felt for the moment superstitious—as if I were sitting in the room with something uncanny. ‘Jane, what are you doing?’ ‘Learning German.’ ‘I want you to give up German and learn Hindostanee.’ ‘You are not in earnest?’ ‘In such earnest that I must have it so: and I will tell you why.’ He then went on to explain that Hindostanee was the language he was himself at present studying; that, as he Free eBooks at Planet eBook.com 605
advanced, he was apt to forget the commencement; that it would assist him greatly to have a pupil with whom he might again and again go over the elements, and so fix them thor- oughly in his mind; that his choice had hovered for some time between me and his sisters; but that he had fixed on me because he saw I could sit at a task the longest of the three. Would I do him this favour? I should not, perhaps, have to make the sacrifice long, as it wanted now barely three months to his departure. St. John was not a man to be lightly refused: you felt that every impression made on him, either for pain or pleasure, was deep-graved and permanent. I consented. When Diana and Mary returned, the former found her scholar trans- ferred from her to her brother: she laughed, and both she and Mary agreed that St. John should never have persuaded them to such a step. He answered quietly— ‘I know it.’ I found him a very patient, very forbearing, and yet an exacting master: he expected me to do a great deal; and when I fulfilled his expectations, he, in his own way, fully testified his approbation. By degrees, he acquired a certain influence over me that took away my liberty of mind: his praise and notice were more restraining than his indiffer- ence. I could no longer talk or laugh freely when he was by, because a tiresomely importunate instinct reminded me that vivacity (at least in me) was distasteful to him. I was so fully aware that only serious moods and occupations were acceptable, that in his presence every effort to sustain or follow any other became vain: I fell under a freezing spell. 606 Jane Eyre
When he said ‘go,’ I went; ‘come,’ I came; ‘do this,’ I did it. But I did not love my servitude: I wished, many a time, he had continued to neglect me. One evening when, at bedtime, his sisters and I stood round him, bidding him good-night, he kissed each of them, as was his custom; and, as was equally his custom, he gave me his hand. Diana, who chanced to be in a frolicsome hu- mour (SHE was not painfully controlled by his will; for hers, in another way, was as strong), exclaimed— ‘St. John! you used to call Jane your third sister, but you don’t treat her as such: you should kiss her too.’ She pushed me towards him. I thought Diana very pro- voking, and felt uncomfortably confused; and while I was thus thinking and feeling, St. John bent his head; his Greek face was brought to a level with mine, his eyes questioned my eyes piercingly—he kissed me. There are no such things as marble kisses or ice kisses, or I should say my ecclesi- astical cousin’s salute belonged to one of these classes; but there may be experiment kisses, and his was an experiment kiss. When given, he viewed me to learn the result; it was not striking: I am sure I did not blush; perhaps I might have turned a little pale, for I felt as if this kiss were a seal affixed to my fetters. He never omitted the ceremony afterwards, and the gravity and quiescence with which I underwent it, seemed to invest it for him with a certain charm. As for me, I daily wished more to please him; but to do so, I felt daily more and more that I must disown half my nature, stifle half my faculties, wrest my tastes from their original bent, force myself to the adoption of pursuits for Free eBooks at Planet eBook.com 607
which I had no natural vocation. He wanted to train me to an elevation I could never reach; it racked me hourly to as- pire to the standard he uplifted. The thing was as impossible as to mould my irregular features to his correct and classic pattern, to give to my changeable green eyes the sea-blue tint and solemn lustre of his own. Not his ascendancy alone, however, held me in thrall at present. Of late it had been easy enough for me to look sad: a cankering evil sat at my heart and drained my happiness at its source—the evil of suspense. Perhaps you think I had forgotten Mr. Rochester, reader, amidst these changes of place and fortune. Not for a mo- ment. His idea was still with me, because it was not a vapour sunshine could disperse, nor a sand-traced effigy storms could wash away; it was a name graven on a tablet, fated to last as long as the marble it inscribed. The craving to know what had become of him followed me everywhere; when I was at Morton, I re-entered my cottage every evening to think of that; and now at Moor House, I sought my bed- room each night to brood over it. In the course of my necessary correspondence with Mr. Briggs about the will, I had inquired if he knew anything of Mr. Rochester’s present residence and state of health; but, as St. John had conjectured, he was quite ignorant of all concerning him. I then wrote to Mrs. Fairfax, entreating information on the subject. I had calculated with certain- ty on this step answering my end: I felt sure it would elicit an early answer. I was astonished when a fortnight passed without reply; but when two months wore away, and day af- 608 Jane Eyre
ter day the post arrived and brought nothing for me, I fell a prey to the keenest anxiety. I wrote again: there was a chance of my first letter hav- ing missed. Renewed hope followed renewed effort: it shone like the former for some weeks, then, like it, it faded, flick- ered: not a line, not a word reached me. When half a year wasted in vain expectancy, my hope died out, and then I felt dark indeed. A fine spring shone round me, which I could not enjoy. Summer approached; Diana tried to cheer me: she said I looked ill, and wished to accompany me to the sea-side. This St. John opposed; he said I did not want dissipation, I wanted employment; my present life was too purposeless, I required an aim; and, I suppose, by way of supplying deficien- cies, he prolonged still further my lessons in Hindostanee, and grew more urgent in requiring their accomplishment: and I, like a fool, never thought of resisting him—I could not resist him. One day I had come to my studies in lower spirits than usual; the ebb was occasioned by a poignantly felt disap- pointment. Hannah had told me in the morning there was a letter for me, and when I went down to take it, almost cer- tain that the long-looked for tidings were vouchsafed me at last, I found only an unimportant note from Mr. Briggs on business. The bitter check had wrung from me some tears; and now, as I sat poring over the crabbed characters and flourishing tropes of an Indian scribe, my eyes filled again. St. John called me to his side to read; in attempting to do this my voice failed me: words were lost in sobs. He Free eBooks at Planet eBook.com 609
and I were the only occupants of the parlour: Diana was practising her music in the drawing-room, Mary was gar- dening—it was a very fine May day, clear, sunny, and breezy. My companion expressed no surprise at this emotion, nor did he question me as to its cause; he only said— ‘We will wait a few minutes, Jane, till you are more com- posed.’ And while I smothered the paroxysm with all haste, he sat calm and patient, leaning on his desk, and looking like a physician watching with the eye of science an expect- ed and fully understood crisis in a patient’s malady. Having stifled my sobs, wiped my eyes, and muttered something about not being very well that morning, I resumed my task, and succeeded in completing it. St. John put away my books and his, locked his desk, and said— ‘Now, Jane, you shall take a walk; and with me.’ ‘I will call Diana and Mary.’ ‘No; I want only one companion this morning, and that must be you. Put on your things; go out by the kitchen- door: take the road towards the head of Marsh Glen: I will join you in a moment.’ I know no medium: I never in my life have known any medium in my dealings with positive, hard characters, an- tagonistic to my own, between absolute submission and determined revolt. I have always faithfully observed the one, up to the very moment of bursting, sometimes with volcanic vehemence, into the other; and as neither present circ*mstances warranted, nor my present mood inclined me to mutiny, I observed careful obedience to St. John’s di- rections; and in ten minutes I was treading the wild track of 610 Jane Eyre
the glen, side by side with him. The breeze was from the west: it came over the hills, sweet with scents of heath and rush; the sky was of stain- less blue; the stream descending the ravine, swelled with past spring rains, poured along plentiful and clear, catch- ing golden gleams from the sun, and sapphire tints from the firmament. As we advanced and left the track, we trod a soft turf, mossy fine and emerald green, minutely enam- elled with a tiny white flower, and spangled with a star-like yellow blossom: the hills, meantime, shut us quite in; for the glen, towards its head, wound to their very core. ‘Let us rest here,’ said St. John, as we reached the first stragglers of a battalion of rocks, guarding a sort of pass, beyond which the beck rushed down a waterfall; and where, still a little farther, the mountain shook off turf and flower, had only heath for raiment and crag for gem—where it ex- aggerated the wild to the savage, and exchanged the fresh for the frowning—where it guarded the forlorn hope of soli- tude, and a last refuge for silence. I took a seat: St. John stood near me. He looked up the pass and down the hollow; his glance wandered away with the stream, and returned to traverse the unclouded heaven which coloured it: he removed his hat, let the breeze stir his hair and kiss his brow. He seemed in communion with the genius of the haunt: with his eye he bade farewell to some- thing. ‘And I shall see it again,’ he said aloud, ‘in dreams when I sleep by the Ganges: and again in a more remote hour— when another slumber overcomes me—on the shore of a Free eBooks at Planet eBook.com 611
darker stream!’ Strange words of a strange love! An austere patriot’s pas- sion for his fatherland! He sat down; for half-an-hour we never spoke; neither he to me nor I to him: that interval past, he recommenced— ‘Jane, I go in six weeks; I have taken my berth in an East Indiaman which sails on the 20th of June.’ ‘God will protect you; for you have undertaken His work,’ I answered. ‘Yes,’ said he, ‘there is my glory and joy. I am the servant of an infallible Master. I am not going out under human guidance, subject to the defective laws and erring control of my feeble fellow-worms: my king, my lawgiver, my captain, is the All-perfect. It seems strange to me that all round me do not burn to enlist under the same banner,—to join in the same enterprise.’ ‘All have not your powers, and it would be folly for the feeble to wish to march with the strong.’ ‘I do not speak to the feeble, or think of them: I address only such as are worthy of the work, and competent to ac- complish it.’ ‘Those are few in number, and difficult to discover.’ ‘You say truly; but when found, it is right to stir them up—to urge and exhort them to the effort—to show them what their gifts are, and why they were given—to speak Heaven’s message in their ear,—to offer them, direct from God, a place in the ranks of His chosen.’ ‘If they are really qualified for the task, will not their own hearts be the first to inform them of it?’ 612 Jane Eyre
I felt as if an awful charm was framing round and gath- ering over me: I trembled to hear some fatal word spoken which would at once declare and rivet the spell. ‘And what does YOUR heart say?’ demanded St. John. ‘My heart is mute,—my heart is mute,’ I answered, struck and thrilled. ‘Then I must speak for it,’ continued the deep, relentless voice. ‘Jane, come with me to India: come as my helpmeet and fellow- labourer.’ The glen and sky spun round: the hills heaved! It was as if I had heard a summons from Heaven—as if a visionary messenger, like him of Macedonia, had enounced, ‘Come over and help us!’ But I was no apostle,—I could not behold the herald,—I could not receive his call. ‘Oh, St. John!’ I cried, ‘have some mercy!’ I appealed to one who, in the discharge of what he be- lieved his duty, knew neither mercy nor remorse. He continued— ‘God and nature intended you for a missionary’s wife. It is not personal, but mental endowments they have given you: you are formed for labour, not for love. A missionary’s wife you must—shall be. You shall be mine: I claim you— not for my pleasure, but for my Sovereign’s service.’ ‘I am not fit for it: I have no vocation,’ I said. He had calculated on these first objections: he was not irritated by them. Indeed, as he leaned back against the crag behind him, folded his arms on his chest, and fixed his countenance, I saw he was prepared for a long and try- ing opposition, and had taken in a stock of patience to last Free eBooks at Planet eBook.com 613
him to its close—resolved, however, that that close should be conquest for him. ‘Humility, Jane,’ said he, ‘is the groundwork of Christian virtues: you say right that you are not fit for the work. Who is fit for it? Or who, that ever was truly called, believed him- self worthy of the summons? I, for instance, am but dust and ashes. With St. Paul, I acknowledge myself the chiefest of sinners; but I do not suffer this sense of my personal vile- ness to daunt me. I know my Leader: that He is just as well as mighty; and while He has chosen a feeble instrument to perform a great task, He will, from the boundless stores of His providence, supply the inadequacy of the means to the end. Think like me, Jane—trust like me. It is the Rock of Ages I ask you to lean on: do not doubt but it will bear the weight of your human weakness.’ ‘I do not understand a missionary life: I have never stud- ied missionary labours.’ ‘There I, humble as I am, can give you the aid you want: I can set you your task from hour to hour; stand by you al- ways; help you from moment to moment. This I could do in the beginning: soon (for I know your powers) you would be as strong and apt as myself, and would not require my help.’ ‘But my powers—where are they for this undertaking? I do not feel them. Nothing speaks or stirs in me while you talk. I am sensible of no light kindling—no life quicken- ing—no voice counselling or cheering. Oh, I wish I could make you see how much my mind is at this moment like a rayless dungeon, with one shrinking fear fettered in its 614 Jane Eyre
depths—the fear of being persuaded by you to attempt what I cannot accomplish!’ ‘I have an answer for you—hear it. I have watched you ever since we first met: I have made you my study for ten months. I have proved you in that time by sundry tests: and what have I seen and elicited? In the village school I found you could perform well, punctually, uprightly, labour un- congenial to your habits and inclinations; I saw you could perform it with capacity and tact: you could win while you controlled. In the calm with which you learnt you had become suddenly rich, I read a mind clear of the vice of De- mas:- lucre had no undue power over you. In the resolute readiness with which you cut your wealth into four shares, keeping but one to yourself, and relinquishing the three others to the claim of abstract justice, I recognised a soul that revelled in the flame and excitement of sacrifice. In the tractability with which, at my wish, you forsook a study in which you were interested, and adopted another because it interested me; in the untiring assiduity with which you have since persevered in it—in the unflagging energy and unshaken temper with which you have met its difficulties— I acknowledge the complement of the qualities I seek. Jane, you are docile, diligent, disinterested, faithful, constant, and courageous; very gentle, and very heroic: cease to mistrust yourself—I can trust you unreservedly. As a conductress of Indian schools, and a helper amongst Indian women, your assistance will be to me invaluable.’ My iron shroud contracted round me; persuasion ad- vanced with slow sure step. Shut my eyes as I would, these Free eBooks at Planet eBook.com 615
last words of his succeeded in making the way, which had seemed blocked up, comparatively clear. My work, which had appeared so vague, so hopelessly diffuse, condensed it- self as he proceeded, and assumed a definite form under his shaping hand. He waited for an answer. I demanded a quar- ter of an hour to think, before I again hazarded a reply. ‘Very willingly,’ he rejoined; and rising, he strode a lit- tle distance up the pass, threw himself down on a swell of heath, and there lay still. ‘I CAN do what he wants me to do: I am forced to see and acknowledge that,’ I meditated,—‘that is, if life be spared me. But I feel mine is not the existence to be long protract- ed under an Indian sun. What then? He does not care for that: when my time came to die, he would resign me, in all serenity and sanctity, to the God who gave me. The case is very plain before me. In leaving England, I should leave a loved but empty land—Mr. Rochester is not there; and if he were, what is, what can that ever be to me? My business is to live without him now: nothing so absurd, so weak as to drag on from day to day, as if I were waiting some impos- sible change in circ*mstances, which might reunite me to him. Of course (as St. John once said) I must seek another interest in life to replace the one lost: is not the occupation he now offers me truly the most glorious man can adopt or God assign? Is it not, by its noble cares and sublime results, the one best calculated to fill the void left by uptorn affec- tions and demolished hopes? I believe I must say, Yes—and yet I shudder. Alas! If I join St. John, I abandon half myself: if I go to India, I go to premature death. And how will the 616 Jane Eyre
interval between leaving England for India, and India for the grave, be filled? Oh, I know well! That, too, is very clear to my vision. By straining to satisfy St. John till my sinews ache, I SHALL satisfy him—to the finest central point and farthest outward circle of his expectations. If I DO go with him— if I DO make the sacrifice he urges, I will make it absolutely: I will throw all on the altar—heart, vitals, the entire victim. He will never love me; but he shall approve me; I will show him energies he has not yet seen, resources he has never suspected. Yes, I can work as hard as he can, and with as little grudging. ‘Consent, then, to his demand is possible: but for one item—one dreadful item. It is—that he asks me to be his wife, and has no more of a husband’s heart for me than that frowning giant of a rock, down which the stream is foam- ing in yonder gorge. He prizes me as a soldier would a good weapon; and that is all. Unmarried to him, this would never grieve me; but can I let him complete his calculations— coolly put into practice his plans—go through the wedding ceremony? Can I receive from him the bridal ring, endure all the forms of love (which I doubt not he would scrupu- lously observe) and know that the spirit was quite absent? Can I bear the consciousness that every endearment he bestows is a sacrifice made on principle? No: such a mar- tyrdom would be monstrous. I will never undergo it. As his sister, I might accompany him—not as his wife: I will tell him so.’ I looked towards the knoll: there he lay, still as a prostrate column; his face turned to me: his eye beaming watchful Free eBooks at Planet eBook.com 617
and keen. He started to his feet and approached me. ‘I am ready to go to India, if I may go free.’ ‘Your answer requires a commentary,’ he said; ‘it is not clear.’ ‘You have hitherto been my adopted brother—I, your ad- opted sister: let us continue as such: you and I had better not marry.’ He shook his head. ‘Adopted fraternity will not do in this case. If you were my real sister it would be different: I should take you, and seek no wife. But as it is, either our union must be consecrated and sealed by marriage, or it cannot exist: practical obstacles oppose themselves to any other plan. Do you not see it, Jane? Consider a moment— your strong sense will guide you.’ I did consider; and still my sense, such as it was, direct- ed me only to the fact that we did not love each other as man and wife should: and therefore it inferred we ought not to marry. I said so. ‘St. John,’ I returned, ‘I regard you as a brother—you, me as a sister: so let us continue.’ ‘We cannot—we cannot,’ he answered, with short, sharp determination: ‘it would not do. You have said you will go with me to India: remember—you have said that.’ ‘Conditionally.’ ‘Well—well. To the main point—the departure with me from England, the co-operation with me in my future la- bours—you do not object. You have already as good as put your hand to the plough: you are too consistent to withdraw it. You have but one end to keep in view—how the work you have undertaken can best be done. Simplify your com- 618 Jane Eyre
plicated interests, feelings, thoughts, wishes, aims; merge all considerations in one purpose: that of fulfilling with ef- fect— with power—the mission of your great Master. To do so, you must have a coadjutor: not a brother—that is a loose tie—but a husband. I, too, do not want a sister: a sis- ter might any day be taken from me. I want a wife: the sole helpmeet I can influence efficiently in life, and retain abso- lutely till death.’ I shuddered as he spoke: I felt his influence in my mar- row—his hold on my limbs. ‘Seek one elsewhere than in me, St. John: seek one fitted to you.’ ‘One fitted to my purpose, you mean—fitted to my vo- cation. Again I tell you it is not the insignificant private individual—the mere man, with the man’s selfish senses—I wish to mate: it is the missionary.’ ‘And I will give the missionary my energies—it is all he wants—but not myself: that would be only adding the husk and shell to the kernel. For them he has no use: I retain them.’ ‘You cannot—you ought not. Do you think God will be satisfied with half an oblation? Will He accept a mutilated sacrifice? It is the cause of God I advocate: it is under His standard I enlist you. I cannot accept on His behalf a divid- ed allegiance: it must be entire.’ ‘Oh! I will give my heart to God,’ I said. ‘YOU do not want it.’ I will not swear, reader, that there was not something of repressed sarcasm both in the tone in which I uttered this Free eBooks at Planet eBook.com 619
sentence, and in the feeling that accompanied it. I had si- lently feared St. John till now, because I had not understood him. He had held me in awe, because he had held me in doubt. How much of him was saint, how much mortal, I could not heretofore tell: but revelations were being made in this conference: the analysis of his nature was proceeding before my eyes. I saw his fallibilities: I comprehended them. I understood that, sitting there where I did, on the bank of heath, and with that handsome form before me, I sat at the feet of a man, caring as I. The veil fell from his hardness and despotism. Having felt in him the presence of these quali- ties, I felt his imperfection and took courage. I was with an equal—one with whom I might argue—one whom, if I saw good, I might resist. He was silent after I had uttered the last sentence, and I presently risked an upward glance at his countenance. His eye, bent on me, expressed at once stern surprise and keen inquiry. ‘Is she sarcastic, and sarcastic to ME!’ it seemed to say. ‘What does this signify?’ ‘Do not let us forget that this is a solemn matter,’ he said ere long; ‘one of which we may neither think nor talk light- ly without sin. I trust, Jane, you are in earnest when you say you will serve your heart to God: it is all I want. Once wrench your heart from man, and fix it on your Maker, the advancement of that Maker’s spiritual kingdom on earth will be your chief delight and endeavour; you will be ready to do at once whatever furthers that end. You will see what impetus would be given to your efforts and mine by our physical and mental union in marriage: the only union that 620 Jane Eyre
gives a character of permanent conformity to the destinies and designs of human beings; and, passing over all minor caprices—all trivial difficulties and delicacies of feeling— all scruple about the degree, kind, strength or tenderness of mere personal inclination— you will hasten to enter into that union at once.’ ‘Shall I?’ I said briefly; and I looked at his features, beau- tiful in their harmony, but strangely formidable in their still severity; at his brow, commanding but not open; at his eyes, bright and deep and searching, but never soft; at his tall im- posing figure; and fancied myself in idea HIS WIFE. Oh! it would never do! As his curate, his comrade, all would be right: I would cross oceans with him in that capacity; toil under Eastern suns, in Asian deserts with him in that office; admire and emulate his courage and devotion and vigour; accommodate quietly to his masterhood; smile undisturbed at his ineradicable ambition; discriminate the Christian from the man: profoundly esteem the one, and freely for- give the other. I should suffer often, no doubt, attached to him only in this capacity: my body would be under rather a stringent yoke, but my heart and mind would be free. I should still have my unblighted self to turn to: my natural unenslaved feelings with which to communicate in mo- ments of loneliness. There would be recesses in my mind which would be only mine, to which he never came, and sentiments growing there fresh and sheltered which his aus- terity could never blight, nor his measured warrior-march trample down: but as his wife—at his side always, and al- ways restrained, and always checked—forced to keep the Free eBooks at Planet eBook.com 621
fire of my nature continually low, to compel it to burn in- wardly and never utter a cry, though the imprisoned flame consumed vital after vital—THIS would be unendurable. ‘St. John!’ I exclaimed, when I had got so far in my medi- tation. ‘Well?’ he answered icily. ‘I repeat I freely consent to go with you as your fellow- missionary, but not as your wife; I cannot marry you and become part of you.’ ‘A part of me you must become,’ he answered steadi- ly; ‘otherwise the whole bargain is void. How can I, a man not yet thirty, take out with me to India a girl of nineteen, unless she be married to me? How can we be for ever to- gether—sometimes in solitudes, sometimes amidst savage tribes—and unwed?’ ‘Very well,’ I said shortly; ‘under the circ*mstances, quite as well as if I were either your real sister, or a man and a clergyman like yourself.’ ‘It is known that you are not my sister; I cannot intro- duce you as such: to attempt it would be to fasten injurious suspicions on us both. And for the rest, though you have a man’s vigorous brain, you have a woman’s heart and—it would not do.’ ‘It would do,’ I affirmed with some disdain, ‘perfectly well. I have a woman’s heart, but not where you are concerned; for you I have only a comrade’s constancy; a fellow-sol- dier’s frankness, fidelity, fraternity, if you like; a neophyte’s respect and submission to his hierophant: nothing more— don’t fear.’ 622 Jane Eyre
‘It is what I want,’ he said, speaking to himself; ‘it is just what I want. And there are obstacles in the way: they must be hewn down. Jane, you would not repent marrying me— be certain of that; we MUST be married. I repeat it: there is no other way; and undoubtedly enough of love would fol- low upon marriage to render the union right even in your eyes.’ ‘I scorn your idea of love,’ I could not help saying, as I rose up and stood before him, leaning my back against the rock. ‘I scorn the counterfeit sentiment you offer: yes, St. John, and I scorn you when you offer it.’ He looked at me fixedly, compressing his well-cut lips while he did so. Whether he was incensed or surprised, or what, it was not easy to tell: he could command his counte- nance thoroughly. ‘I scarcely expected to hear that expression from you,’ he said: ‘I think I have done and uttered nothing to deserve scorn.’ I was touched by his gentle tone, and overawed by his high, calm mien. ‘Forgive me the words, St. John; but it is your own fault that I have been roused to speak so unguardedly. You have introduced a topic on which our natures are at variance— a topic we should never discuss: the very name of love is an apple of discord between us. If the reality were required, what should we do? How should we feel? My dear cousin, abandon your scheme of marriage—forget it.’ ‘No,’ said he; ‘it is a long-cherished scheme, and the only one which can secure my great end: but I shall urge you Free eBooks at Planet eBook.com 623
no further at present. To-morrow, I leave home for Cam- bridge: I have many friends there to whom I should wish to say farewell. I shall be absent a fortnight—take that space of time to consider my offer: and do not forget that if you reject it, it is not me you deny, but God. Through my means, He opens to you a noble career; as my wife only can you en- ter upon it. Refuse to be my wife, and you limit yourself for ever to a track of selfish ease and barren obscurity. Tremble lest in that case you should be numbered with those who have denied the faith, and are worse than infidels!’ He had done. Turning from me, he once more ‘Looked to river, looked to hill.’ But this time his feelings were all pent in his heart: I was not worthy to hear them uttered. As I walked by his side homeward, I read well in his iron silence all he felt towards me: the disappointment of an austere and despotic nature, which has met resistance where it expected submission— the disapprobation of a cool, inflexible judgment, which has detected in another feelings and views in which it has no power to sympathise: in short, as a man, he would have wished to coerce me into obedience: it was only as a sincere Christian he bore so patiently with my perversity, and al- lowed so long a space for reflection and repentance. That night, after he had kissed his sisters, he thought proper to forget even to shake hands with me, but left the room in silence. I—who, though I had no love, had much friendship for him—was hurt by the marked omission: so much hurt that tears started to my eyes. ‘I see you and St. John have been quarrelling, Jane,’ said 624 Jane Eyre
Diana, ‘during your walk on the moor. But go after him; he is now lingering in the passage expecting you—he will make it up.’ I have not much pride under such circ*mstances: I would always rather be happy than dignified; and I ran after him— he stood at the foot of the stairs. ‘Good-night, St. John,’ said I. ‘Good-night, Jane,’ he replied calmly. ‘Then shake hands,’ I added. What a cold, loose touch, he impressed on my fingers! He was deeply displeased by what had occurred that day; cordiality would not warm, nor tears move him. No happy reconciliation was to be had with himno cheering smile or generous word: but still the Christian was patient and plac- id; and when I asked him if he forgave me, he answered that he was not in the habit of cherishing the remembrance of vexation; that he had nothing to forgive, not having been offended. And with that answer he left me. I would much rather he had knocked me down. Free eBooks at Planet eBook.com 625
Chapter XXXV He did not leave for Cambridge the next day, as he had said he would. He deferred his departure a whole week, and during that time he made me feel what severe punish- ment a good yet stern, a conscientious yet implacable man can inflict on one who has offended him. Without one overt act of hostility, one upbraiding word, he contrived to impress me momently with the conviction that I was put beyond the pale of his favour. Not that St. John harboured a spirit of unchristian vin- dictiveness— not that he would have injured a hair of my head, if it had been fully in his power to do so. Both by nature and principle, he was superior to the mean gratifica- tion of vengeance: he had forgiven me for saying I scorned him and his love, but he had not forgotten the words; and as long as he and I lived he never would forget them. I saw by his look, when he turned to me, that they were always writ- ten on the air between me and him; whenever I spoke, they sounded in my voice to his ear, and their echo toned every answer he gave me. He did not abstain from conversing with me: he even called me as usual each morning to join him at his desk; and I fear the corrupt man within him had a pleasure unimpart- ed to, and unshared by, the pure Christian, in evincing with what skill he could, while acting and speaking apparently 626 Jane Eyre
just as usual, extract from every deed and every phrase the spirit of interest and approval which had formerly commu- nicated a certain austere charm to his language and manner. To me, he was in reality become no longer flesh, but marble; his eye was a cold, bright, blue gem; his tongue a speaking instrument— nothing more. All this was torture to me—refined, lingering torture. It kept up a slow fire of indignation and a trembling trouble of grief, which harassed and crushed me altogether. I felt how—if I were his wife, this good man, pure as the deep sunless source, could soon kill me, without drawing from my veins a single drop of blood, or receiving on his own crystal conscience the faintest stain of crime. Especially I felt this when I made any attempt to propitiate him. No ruth met my ruth. HE experienced no suffering from es- trangementno yearning after reconciliation; and though, more than once, my fast falling tears blistered the page over which we both bent, they produced no more effect on him than if his heart had been really a matter of stone or met- al. To his sisters, meantime, he was somewhat kinder than usual: as if afraid that mere coldness would not sufficiently convince me how completely I was banished and banned, he added the force of contrast; and this I am sure he did not by force, but on principle. The night before he left home, happening to see him walking in the garden about sunset, and remembering, as I looked at him, that this man, alienated as he now was, had once saved my life, and that we were near relations, I was moved to make a last attempt to regain his friendship. I Free eBooks at Planet eBook.com 627
went out and approached him as he stood leaning over the little gate; I spoke to the point at once. ‘St. John, I am unhappy because you are still angry with me. Let us be friends.’ ‘I hope we are friends,’ was the unmoved reply; while he still watched the rising of the moon, which he had been contemplating as I approached. ‘No, St. John, we are not friends as we were. You know that.’ ‘Are we not? That is wrong. For my part, I wish you no ill and all good.’ ‘I believe you, St. John; for I am sure you are incapable of wishing any one ill; but, as I am your kinswoman, I should desire somewhat more of affection than that sort of general philanthropy you extend to mere strangers.’ ‘Of course,’ he said. ‘Your wish is reasonable, and I am far from regarding you as a stranger.’ This, spoken in a cool, tranquil tone, was mortifying and baffling enough. Had I attended to the suggestions of pride and ire, I should immediately have left him; but something worked within me more strongly than those feelings could. I deeply venerated my cousin’s talent and principle. His friendship was of value to me: to lose it tried me severely. I would not so soon relinquish the attempt to reconquer it. ‘Must we part in this way, St. John? And when you go to India, will you leave me so, without a kinder word than you have yet spoken?’ He now turned quite from the moon and faced me. ‘When I go to India, Jane, will I leave you! What! do you 628 Jane Eyre
not go to India?’ ‘You said I could not unless I married you.’ ‘And you will not marry me! You adhere to that resolu- tion?’ Reader, do you know, as I do, what terror those cold peo- ple can put into the ice of their questions? How much of the fall of the avalanche is in their anger? of the breaking up of the frozen sea in their displeasure? ‘No. St. John, I will not marry you. I adhere to my reso- lution.’ The avalanche had shaken and slid a little forward, but it did not yet crash down. ‘Once more, why this refusal?’ he asked. ‘Formerly,’ I answered, ‘because you did not love me; now, I reply, because you almost hate me. If I were to marry you, you would kill me. You are killing me now.’ His lips and cheeks turned white—quite white. ‘I SHOULD KILL YOU—I AM KILLING YOU? Your words are such as ought not to be used: violent, unfeminine, and untrue. They betray an unfortunate state of mind: they merit severe reproof: they would seem inexcusable, but that it is the duty of man to forgive his fellow even until seventy- and-seven times.’ I had finished the business now. While earnestly wishing to erase from his mind the trace of my former offence, I had stamped on that tenacious surface another and far deeper impression, I had burnt it in. ‘Now you will indeed hate me,’ I said. ‘It is useless to at- tempt to conciliate you: I see I have made an eternal enemy Free eBooks at Planet eBook.com 629
of you.’ A fresh wrong did these words inflict: the worse, because they touched on the truth. That bloodless lip quivered to a temporary spasm. I knew the steely ire I had whetted. I was heart-wrung. ‘You utterly misinterpret my words,’ I said, at once seizing his hand: ‘I have no intention to grieve or pain you—indeed, I have not.’ Most bitterly he smiled—most decidedly he withdrew his hand from mine. ‘And now you recall your promise, and will not go to India at all, I presume?’ said he, after a con- siderable pause. ‘Yes, I will, as your assistant,’ I answered. A very long silence succeeded. What struggle there was in him between Nature and Grace in this interval, I can- not tell: only singular gleams scintillated in his eyes, and strange shadows passed over his face. He spoke at last. ‘I before proved to you the absurdity of a single woman of your age proposing to accompany abroad a single man of mine. I proved it to you in such terms as, I should have thought, would have prevented your ever again alluding to the plan. That you have done so, I regret—for your sake.’ I interrupted him. Anything like a tangible reproach gave me courage at once. ‘Keep to common sense, St. John: you are verging on nonsense. You pretend to be shocked by what I have said. You are not really shocked: for, with your superior mind, you cannot be either so dull or so conceited as to misunderstand my meaning. I say again, I will be your curate, if you like, but never your wife.’ 630 Jane Eyre
Again he turned lividly pale; but, as before, controlled his passion perfectly. He answered emphatically but calmly— ‘A female curate, who is not my wife, would never suit me. With me, then, it seems, you cannot go: but if you are sincere in your offer, I will, while in town, speak to a mar- ried missionary, whose wife needs a coadjutor. Your own fortune will make you independent of the Society’s aid; and thus you may still be spared the dishonour of breaking your promise and deserting the band you engaged to join.’ Now I never had, as the reader knows, either given any formal promise or entered into any engagement; and this language was all much too hard and much too despotic for the occasion. I replied— ‘There is no dishonour, no breach of promise, no deser- tion in the case. I am not under the slightest obligation to go to India, especially with strangers. With you I would have ventured much, because I admire, confide in, and, as a sis- ter, I love you; but I am convinced that, go when and with whom I would, I should not live long in that climate.’ ‘Ah! you are afraid of yourself,’ he said, curling his lip. ‘I am. God did not give me my life to throw away; and to do as you wish me would, I begin to think, be almost equivalent to committing suicide. Moreover, before I defin- itively resolve on quitting England, I will know for certain whether I cannot be of greater use by remaining in it than by leaving it.’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘It would be fruitless to attempt to explain; but there is a point on which I have long endured painful doubt, and I Free eBooks at Planet eBook.com 631
can go nowhere till by some means that doubt is removed.’ ‘I know where your heart turns and to what it clings. The interest you cherish is lawless and unconsecrated. Long since you ought to have crushed it: now you should blush to allude to it. You think of Mr. Rochester?’ It was true. I confessed it by silence. ‘Are you going to seek Mr. Rochester?’ ‘I must find out what is become of him.’ ‘It remains for me, then,’ he said, ‘to remember you in my prayers, and to entreat God for you, in all earnestness, that you may not indeed become a castaway. I had thought I recognised in you one of the chosen. But God sees not as man sees: HIS will be done—‘ He opened the gate, passed through it, and strayed away down the glen. He was soon out of sight. On re-entering the parlour, I found Diana standing at the window, looking very thoughtful. Diana was a great deal taller than I: she put her hand on my shoulder, and, stooping, examined my face. ‘Jane,’ she said, ‘you are always agitated and pale now. I am sure there is something the matter. Tell me what busi- ness St. John and you have on hands. I have watched you this half hour from the window; you must forgive my being such a spy, but for a long time I have fancied I hardly know what. St. John is a strange being—‘ She paused—I did not speak: soon she resumed— ‘That brother of mine cherishes peculiar views of some sort respecting you, I am sure: he has long distinguished you by a notice and interest he never showed to any one 632 Jane Eyre
else—to what end? I wish he loved you—does he, Jane?’ I put her cool hand to my hot forehead; ‘No, Die, not one whit.’ ‘Then why does he follow you so with his eyes, and get you so frequently alone with him, and keep you so continu- ally at his side? Mary and I had both concluded he wished you to marry him.’ ‘He does—he has asked me to be his wife.’ Diana clapped her hands. ‘That is just what we hoped and thought! And you will marry him, Jane, won’t you? And then he will stay in England.’ ‘Far from that, Diana; his sole idea in proposing to me is to procure a fitting fellow-labourer in his Indian toils.’ ‘What! He wishes you to go to India?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Madness!’ she exclaimed. ‘You would not live three months there, I am certain. You never shall go: you have not consented, have you, Jane?’ ‘I have refused to marry him—‘ ‘And have consequently displeased him?’ she suggested. ‘Deeply: he will never forgive me, I fear: yet I offered to accompany him as his sister.’ ‘It was frantic folly to do so, Jane. Think of the task you undertook—one of incessant fatigue, where fatigue kills even the strong, and you are weak. St. John—you know him—would urge you to impossibilities: with him there would be no permission to rest during the hot hours; and unfortunately, I have noticed, whatever he exacts, you force yourself to perform. I am astonished you found courage to Free eBooks at Planet eBook.com 633
refuse his hand. You do not love him then, Jane?’ ‘Not as a husband.’ ‘Yet he is a handsome fellow.’ ‘And I am so plain, you see, Die. We should never suit.’ ‘Plain! You? Not at all. You are much too pretty, as well as too good, to be grilled alive in Calcutta.’ And again she earnestly conjured me to give up all thoughts of going out with her brother. ‘I must indeed,’ I said; ‘for when just now I repeated the offer of serving him for a deacon, he expressed himself shocked at my want of decency. He seemed to think I had committed an impropriety in proposing to accompany him unmarried: as if I had not from the first hoped to find in him a brother, and habitually regarded him as such.’ ‘What makes you say he does not love you, Jane?’ ‘You should hear himself on the subject. He has again and again explained that it is not himself, but his office he wishes to mate. He has told me I am formed for labour—not for love: which is true, no doubt. But, in my opinion, if I am not formed for love, it follows that I am not formed for mar- riage. Would it not be strange, Die, to be chained for life to a man who regarded one but as a useful tool?’ ‘Insupportable—unnatural—out of the question!’ ‘And then,’ I continued, ‘though I have only sisterly affec- tion for him now, yet, if forced to be his wife, I can imagine the possibility of conceiving an inevitable, strange, tortur- ing kind of love for him, because he is so talented; and there is often a certain heroic grandeur in his look, manner, and conversation. In that case, my lot would become unspeak- 634 Jane Eyre
ably wretched. He would not want me to love him; and if I showed the feeling, he would make me sensible that it was a superfluity, unrequired by him, unbecoming in me. I know he would.’ ‘And yet St. John is a good man,’ said Diana. ‘He is a good and a great man; but he forgets, pitilessly, the feelings and claims of little people, in pursuing his own large views. It is better, therefore, for the insignificant to keep out of his way, lest, in his progress, he should trample them down. Here he comes! I will leave you, Diana.’ And I hastened upstairs as I saw him entering the garden. But I was forced to meet him again at supper. During that meal he appeared just as composed as usual. I had thought he would hardly speak to me, and I was certain he had given up the pursuit of his matrimonial scheme: the se- quel showed I was mistaken on both points. He addressed me precisely in his ordinary manner, or what had, of late, been his ordinary manner—one scrupulously polite. No doubt he had invoked the help of the Holy Spirit to subdue the anger I had roused in him, and now believed he had for- given me once more. For the evening reading before prayers, he selected the twenty-first chapter of Revelation. It was at all times pleas- ant to listen while from his lips fell the words of the Bible: never did his fine voice sound at once so sweet and full— never did his manner become so impressive in its noble simplicity, as when he delivered the oracles of God: and to-night that voice took a more solemn tone—that man- ner a more thrilling meaning—as he sat in the midst of his Free eBooks at Planet eBook.com 635
household circle (the May moon shining in through the un- curtained window, and rendering almost unnecessary the light of the candle on the table): as he sat there, bending over the great old Bible, and described from its page the vi- sion of the new heaven and the new earth—told how God would come to dwell with men, how He would wipe away all tears from their eyes, and promised that there should be no more death, neither sorrow nor crying, nor any more pain, because the former things were passed away. The succeeding words thrilled me strangely as he spoke them: especially as I felt, by the slight, indescribable altera- tion in sound, that in uttering them, his eye had turned on me. ‘He that overcometh shall inherit all things; and I will be his God, and he shall be my son. But,’ was slowly, distinctly read, ‘the fearful, the unbelieving, &c., shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone, which is the second death.’ Henceforward, I knew what fate St. John feared for me. A calm, subdued triumph, blent with a longing earnest- ness, marked his enunciation of the last glorious verses of that chapter. The reader believed his name was already written in the Lamb’s book of life, and he yearned after the hour which should admit him to the city to which the kings of the earth bring their glory and honour; which has no need of sun or moon to shine in it, because the glory of God lightens it, and the Lamb is the light thereof. In the prayer following the chapter, all his energy gath- ered—all his stern zeal woke: he was in deep earnest, 636 Jane Eyre
wrestling with God, and resolved on a conquest. He suppli- cated strength for the weak- hearted; guidance for wanderers from the fold: a return, even at the eleventh hour, for those whom the temptations of the world and the flesh were lur- ing from the narrow path. He asked, he urged, he claimed the boon of a brand snatched from the burning. Earnest- ness is ever deeply solemn: first, as I listened to that prayer, I wondered at his; then, when it continued and rose, I was touched by it, and at last awed. He felt the greatness and goodness of his purpose so sincerely: others who heard him plead for it, could not but feel it too. The prayer over, we took leave of him: he was to go at a very early hour in the morning. Diana and Mary having kissed him, left the room—in compliance, I think, with a whispered hint from him: I tendered my hand, and wished him a pleasant journey. ‘Thank you, Jane. As I said, I shall return from Cambridge in a fortnight: that space, then, is yet left you for reflection. If I listened to human pride, I should say no more to you of marriage with me; but I listen to my duty, and keep steadily in view my first aim—to do all things to the glory of God. My Master was long- suffering: so will I be. I cannot give you up to perdition as a vessel of wrath: repent—resolve, while there is yet time. Remember, we are bid to work while it is day—warned that ‘the night cometh when no man shall work.’ Remember the fate of Dives, who had his good things in this life. God give you strength to choose that better part which shall not be taken from you!’ He laid his hand on my head as he uttered the last words. Free eBooks at Planet eBook.com 637
He had spoken earnestly, mildly: his look was not, indeed, that of a lover beholding his mistress, but it was that of a pastor recalling his wandering sheep—or better, of a guard- ian angel watching the soul for which he is responsible. All men of talent, whether they be men of feeling or not; wheth- er they be zealots, or aspirants, or despots—provided only they be sincere—have their sublime moments, when they subdue and rule. I felt veneration for St. John— veneration so strong that its impetus thrust me at once to the point I had so long shunned. I was tempted to cease struggling with him— to rush down the torrent of his will into the gulf of his existence, and there lose my own. I was almost as hard beset by him now as I had been once before, in a differ- ent way, by another. I was a fool both times. To have yielded then would have been an error of principle; to have yielded now would have been an error of judgment. So I think at this hour, when I look back to the crisis through the quiet medium of time: I was unconscious of folly at the instant. I stood motionless under my hierophant’s touch. My refusals were forgotten—my fears overcome—my wres- tlings paralysed. The Impossible—I.E., my marriage with St. John—was fast becoming the Possible. All was chang- ing utterly with a sudden sweep. Religion called—Angels beckoned—God commanded—life rolled together like a scroll—death’s gates opening, showed eternity beyond: it seemed, that for safety and bliss there, all here might be sacrificed in a second. The dim room was full of visions. ‘Could you decide now?’ asked the missionary. The in- quiry was put in gentle tones: he drew me to him as gently. 638 Jane Eyre
Oh, that gentleness! how far more potent is it than force! I could resist St. John’s wrath: I grew pliant as a reed un- der his kindness. Yet I knew all the time, if I yielded now, I should not the less be made to repent, some day, of my for- mer rebellion. His nature was not changed by one hour of solemn prayer: it was only elevated. ‘I could decide if I were but certain,’ I answered: ‘were I but convinced that it is God’s will I should marry you, I could vow to marry you here and now—come afterwards what would!’ ‘My I prayers are heard!’ ejacul*ted St. John. He pressed his hand firmer on my head, as if he claimed me: he sur- rounded me with his arm, ALMOST as if he loved me (I say ALMOST—I knew the difference— for I had felt what it was to be loved; but, like him, I had now put love out of the question, and thought only of duty). I contended with my inward dimness of vision, before which clouds yet rolled. I sincerely, deeply, fervently longed to do what was right; and only that. ‘Show me, show me the path!’ I entreated of Heav- en. I was excited more than I had ever been; and whether what followed was the effect of excitement the reader shall judge. All the house was still; for I believe all, except St. John and myself, were now retired to rest. The one candle was dying out: the room was full of moonlight. My heart beat fast and thick: I heard its throb. Suddenly it stood still to an inexpressible feeling that thrilled it through, and passed at once to my head and extremities. The feeling was not like an electric shock, but it was quite as sharp, as strange, as Free eBooks at Planet eBook.com 639
startling: it acted on my senses as if their utmost activity hitherto had been but torpor, from which they were now summoned and forced to wake. They rose expectant: eye and ear waited while the flesh quivered on my bones. ‘What have you heard? What do you see?’ asked St. John. I saw nothing, but I heard a voice somewhere cry— ‘Jane! Jane! Jane!’—nothing more. ‘O God! what is it?’ I gasped. I might have said, ‘Where is it?’ for it did not seem in the room— nor in the house—nor in the garden; it did not come out of the airnor from under the earth—nor from overhead. I had heard it— where, or whence, for ever im- possible to know! And it was the voice of a human being—a known, loved, well-remembered voice—that of Edward Fairfax Rochester; and it spoke in pain and woe, wildly, ee- rily, urgently. ‘I am coming!’ I cried. ‘Wait for me! Oh, I will come!’ I flew to the door and looked into the passage: it was dark. I ran out into the garden: it was void. ‘Where are you?’ I exclaimed. The hills beyond Marsh Glen sent the answer faintly back—‘Where are you?’ I listened. The wind sighed low in the firs: all was moorland loneliness and midnight hush. ‘Down superstition!’ I commented, as that spectre rose up black by the black yew at the gate. ‘This is not thy decep- tion, nor thy witchcraft: it is the work of nature. She was roused, and did—no miracle—but her best.’ I broke from St. John, who had followed, and would have detained me. It was MY time to assume ascendency. MY 640 Jane Eyre
powers were in play and in force. I told him to forbear ques- tion or remark; I desired him to leave me: I must and would be alone. He obeyed at once. Where there is energy to com- mand well enough, obedience never fails. I mounted to my chamber; locked myself in; fell on my knees; and prayed in my way—a different way to St. John’s, but effective in its own fashion. I seemed to penetrate very near a Mighty Spirit; and my soul rushed out in gratitude at His feet. I rose from the thanksgiving—took a resolve—and lay down, unscared, enlightened— eager but for the daylight. Free eBooks at Planet eBook.com 641
Chapter XXXVI The daylight came. I rose at dawn. I busied myself for an hour or two with arranging my things in my chamber, drawers, and wardrobe, in the order wherein I should wish to leave them during a brief absence. Meantime, I heard St. John quit his room. He stopped at my door: I feared he would knock—no, but a slip of paper was passed under the door. I took it up. It bore these words— ‘You left me too suddenly last night. Had you stayed but a little longer, you would have laid your hand on the Chris- tian’s cross and the angel’s crown. I shall expect your clear decision when I return this day fortnight. Meantime, watch and pray that you enter not into temptation: the spirit, I trust, is willing, but the flesh, I see, is weak. I shall pray for you hourly.—Yours, ST. JOHN.’ ‘My spirit,’ I answered mentally, ‘is willing to do what is right; and my flesh, I hope, is strong enough to accomplish the will of Heaven, when once that will is distinctly known to me. At any rate, it shall be strong enough to search—in- quire—to grope an outlet from this cloud of doubt, and find the open day of certainty.’ It was the first of June; yet the morning was overcast and chilly: rain beat fast on my casem*nt. I heard the front-door open, and St. John pass out. Looking through the window, I saw him traverse the garden. He took the way over the 642 Jane Eyre
misty moors in the direction of Whitcross—there he would meet the coach. ‘In a few more hours I shall succeed you in that track, cousin,’ thought I: ‘I too have a coach to meet at Whitcross. I too have some to see and ask after in England, before I de- part for ever.’ It wanted yet two hours of breakfast-time. I filled the in- terval in walking softly about my room, and pondering the visitation which had given my plans their present bent. I re- called that inward sensation I had experienced: for I could recall it, with all its unspeakable strangeness. I recalled the voice I had heard; again I questioned whence it came, as vainly as before: it seemed in ME—not in the external world. I asked was it a mere nervous impression—a delu- sion? I could not conceive or believe: it was more like an inspiration. The wondrous shock of feeling had come like the earthquake which shook the foundations of Paul and Silas’s prison; it had opened the doors of the soul’s cell and loosed its bands—it had wakened it out of its sleep, whence it sprang trembling, listening, aghast; then vibrated thrice a cry on my startled ear, and in my quaking heart and through my spirit, which neither feared nor shook, but ex- ulted as if in joy over the success of one effort it had been privileged to make, independent of the cumbrous body. ‘Ere many days,’ I said, as I terminated my musings, ‘I will know something of him whose voice seemed last night to summon me. Letters have proved of no avail—personal inquiry shall replace them.’ At breakfast I announced to Diana and Mary that I was Free eBooks at Planet eBook.com 643
going a journey, and should be absent at least four days. ‘Alone, Jane?’ they asked. ‘Yes; it was to see or hear news of a friend about whom I had for some time been uneasy.’ They might have said, as I have no doubt they thought, that they had believed me to be without any friends save them: for, indeed, I had often said so; but, with their true natural delicacy, they abstained from comment, except that Diana asked me if I was sure I was well enough to travel. I looked very pale, she observed. I replied, that nothing ailed me save anxiety of mind, which I hoped soon to alleviate. It was easy to make my further arrangements; for I was troubled with no inquiries—no surmises. Having once ex- plained to them that I could not now be explicit about my plans, they kindly and wisely acquiesced in the silence with which I pursued them, according to me the privilege of free action I should under similar circ*mstances have accorded them. I left Moor House at three o’clock p.m., and soon after four I stood at the foot of the sign-post of Whitcross, wait- ing the arrival of the coach which was to take me to distant Thornfield. Amidst the silence of those solitary roads and desert hills, I heard it approach from a great distance. It was the same vehicle whence, a year ago, I had alighted one sum- mer evening on this very spot—how desolate, and hopeless, and objectless! It stopped as I beckoned. I entered—not now obliged to part with my whole fortune as the price of its ac- commodation. Once more on the road to Thornfield, I felt like the messenger-pigeon flying home. 644 Jane Eyre
It was a journey of six-and-thirty hours. I had set out from Whitcross on a Tuesday afternoon, and early on the succeeding Thursday morning the coach stopped to water the horses at a wayside inn, situated in the midst of scenery whose green hedges and large fields and low pastoral hills (how mild of feature and verdant of hue compared with the stern North-Midland moors of Morton!) met my eye like the lineaments of a once familiar face. Yes, I knew the char- acter of this landscape: I was sure we were near my bourne. ‘How far is Thornfield Hall from here?’ I asked of the os- tler. ‘Just two miles, ma’am, across the fields.’ ‘My journey is closed,’ I thought to myself. I got out of the coach, gave a box I had into the ostler’s charge, to be kept till I called for it; paid my fare; satisfied the coachman, and was going: the brightening day gleamed on the sign of the inn, and I read in gilt letters, ‘The Rochester Arms.’ My heart leapt up: I was already on my master’s very lands. It fell again: the thought struck it:- ‘Your master himself may be beyond the British Chan- nel, for aught you know: and then, if he is at Thornfield Hall, towards which you hasten, who besides him is there? His lunatic wife: and you have nothing to do with him: you dare not speak to him or seek his presence. You have lost your labour—you had better go no farther,’ urged the monitor. ‘Ask information of the people at the inn; they can give you all you seek: they can solve your doubts at once. Go up to that man, and inquire if Mr. Rochester be at home.’ The suggestion was sensible, and yet I could not force Free eBooks at Planet eBook.com 645
myself to act on it. I so dreaded a reply that would crush me with despair. To prolong doubt was to prolong hope. I might yet once more see the Hall under the ray of her star. There was the stile before me—the very fields through which I had hurried, blind, deaf, distracted with a revengeful fury tracking and scourging me, on the morning I fled from Thornfield: ere I well knew what course I had resolved to take, I was in the midst of them. How fast I walked! How I ran sometimes! How I looked forward to catch the first view of the well-known woods! With what feelings I welcomed single trees I knew, and familiar glimpses of meadow and hill between them! At last the woods rose; the rookery clustered dark; a loud cawing broke the morning stillness. Strange delight inspired me: on I hastened. Another field crossed—a lane threaded— and there were the courtyard walls—the back offices: the house itself, the rookery still hid. ‘My first view of it shall be in front,’ I determined, ‘where its bold battlements will strike the eye nobly at once, and where I can single out my master’s very window: perhaps he will be standing at it—he rises early: perhaps he is now walking in the orchard, or on the pavement in front. Could I but see him!—but a mo- ment! Surely, in that case, I should not be so mad as to run to him? I cannot tell—I am not certain. And if I did—what then? God bless him! What then? Who would be hurt by my once more tasting the life his glance can give me? I rave: perhaps at this moment he is watching the sun rise over the Pyrenees, or on the tideless sea of the south.’ I had coasted along the lower wall of the orchard—turned 646 Jane Eyre
its angle: there was a gate just there, opening into the mead- ow, between two stone pillars crowned by stone balls. From behind one pillar I could peep round quietly at the full front of the mansion. I advanced my head with precaution, de- sirous to ascertain if any bedroom window-blinds were yet drawn up: battlements, windows, long front—all from this sheltered station were at my command. The crows sailing overhead perhaps watched me while I took this survey. I wonder what they thought. They must have considered I was very careful and timid at first, and that gradually I grew very bold and reckless. A peep, and then a long stare; and then a departure from my niche and a straying out into the meadow; and a sudden stop full in front of the great mansion, and a protracted, hardy gaze to- wards it. ‘What affectation of diffidence was this at first?’ they might have demanded; ‘what stupid regardlessness now?’ Hear an illustration, reader. A lover finds his mistress asleep on a mossy bank; he wishes to catch a glimpse of her fair face without wak- ing her. He steals softly over the grass, careful to make no sound; he pauses—fancying she has stirred: he withdraws: not for worlds would he be seen. All is still: he again ad- vances: he bends above her; a light veil rests on her features: he lifts it, bends lower; now his eyes anticipate the vision of beauty—warm, and blooming, and lovely, in rest. How hur- ried was their first glance! But how they fix! How he starts! How he suddenly and vehemently clasps in both arms the form he dared not, a moment since, touch with his finger! Free eBooks at Planet eBook.com 647
How he calls aloud a name, and drops his burden, and gazes on it wildly! He thus grasps and cries, and gazes, because he no longer fears to waken by any sound he can utter—by any movement he can make. He thought his love slept sweetly: he finds she is stone dead. I looked with timorous joy towards a stately house: I saw a blackened ruin. No need to cower behind a gate-post, indeed!—to peep up at chamber lattices, fearing life was astir behind them! No need to listen for doors opening—to fancy steps on the pavement or the gravel-walk! The lawn, the grounds were trodden and waste: the portal yawned void. The front was, as I had once seen it in a dream, but a well- like wall, very high and very fragile-looking, perforated with paneless windows: no roof, no battlements, no chimneys—all had crashed in. And there was the silence of death about it: the solitude of a lonesome wild. No wonder that letters addressed to people here had never received an answer: as well despatch epistles to a vault in a church aisle. The grim blackness of the stones told by what fate the Hall had fallen—by con- flagration: but how kindled? What story belonged to this disaster? What loss, besides mortar and marble and wood- work had followed upon it? Had life been wrecked as well as property? If so, whose? Dreadful question: there was no one here to answer it—not even dumb sign, mute token. In wandering round the shattered walls and through the devastated interior, I gathered evidence that the calamity was not of late occurrence. Winter snows, I thought, had 648 Jane Eyre
drifted through that void arch, winter rains beaten in at those hollow casem*nts; for, amidst the drenched piles of rubbish, spring had cherished vegetation: grass and weed grew here and there between the stones and fallen rafters. And oh! where meantime was the hapless owner of this wreck? In what land? Under what auspices? My eye invol- untarily wandered to the grey church tower near the gates, and I asked, ‘Is he with Damer de Rochester, sharing the shelter of his narrow marble house?’ Some answer must be had to these questions. I could find it nowhere but at the inn, and thither, ere long, I re- turned. The host himself brought my breakfast into the parlour. I requested him to shut the door and sit down: I had some questions to ask him. But when he complied, I scarcely knew how to begin; such horror had I of the pos- sible answers. And yet the spectacle of desolation I had just left prepared me in a measure for a tale of misery. The host was a respectable-looking, middle-aged man. ‘You know Thornfield Hall, of course?’ I managed to say at last. ‘Yes, ma’am; I lived there once.’ ‘Did you?’ Not in my time, I thought: you are a stranger to me. ‘I was the late Mr. Rochester’s butler,’ he added. The late! I seem to have received, with full force, the blow I had been trying to evade. ‘The late!’ gasped. ‘Is he dead?’ ‘I mean the present gentleman, Mr. Edward’s father,’ he explained. I breathed again: my blood resumed its flow. Fully Free eBooks at Planet eBook.com 649
assured by these words that Mr. Edward—MY Mr. Roches- ter (God bless him, wherever he was!)—was at least alive: was, in short, ‘the present gentleman.’ Gladdening words! It seemed I could hear all that was to come—whatever the disclosures might be—with comparative tranquillity. Since he was not in the grave, I could bear, I thought, to learn that he was at the Antipodes. ‘Is Mr. Rochester living at Thornfield Hall now?’ I asked, knowing, of course, what the answer would be, but yet de- sirous of deferring the direct question as to where he really was. ‘No, ma’am—oh, no! No one is living there. I suppose you are a stranger in these parts, or you would have heard what happened last autumn,—Thornfield Hall is quite a ruin: it was burnt down just about harvest-time. A dreadful calamity! such an immense quantity of valuable property destroyed: hardly any of the furniture could be saved. The fire broke out at dead of night, and before the engines ar- rived from Millcote, the building was one mass of flame. It was a terrible spectacle: I witnessed it myself.’ ‘At dead of night!’ I muttered. Yes, that was ever the hour of fatality at Thornfield. ‘Was it known how it originated?’ I demanded. ‘They guessed, ma’am: they guessed. Indeed, I should say it was ascertained beyond a doubt. You are not perhaps aware,’ he continued, edging his chair a little nearer the ta- ble, and speaking low, ‘that there was a lady—a—a lunatic, kept in the house?’ ‘I have heard something of it.’ 650 Jane Eyre
